November 17, 2014

Miss to Mrs

When all is quiet and just serenaded by a mix of English pop and Mandopop from the 90s and early millennium from the radio, it occurs to me to wonder how all these came about. These gestures and efforts in preparing for a day, the day they will always refer to as 'once in a lifetime'. Yet, in my mind, I always believe that each day is once in a lifetime. Time, in relation to life, is fair like that.

The ponderings I have are typically future-oriented, except for this once. I am trying to take steps back, tracing back on my memory lane. That is, by no means, an easy task. Since a time that I can't even pinpoint, my memory capacity has chosen to go grayscale and hazy, instead of contrasted and monochrome.

I stood at a bus stop, near or perhaps past midnight, waiting for the bus that I wasn't sure was coming. It was late. I might have missed the last bus for the day. Yet, I waited. I probably gave myself a time limit, beyond which I knew I had to dig the pocket deeper to pay for midnight cab fare. It was then, that I learnt that bit about existentialism, and of course, existential waiting. I don't remember if I went home by bus or cab that night. I think, it is possible too, that my Dad came round to fetch me. He was still driving a cab then.

Some people plan a lot in their life. I am not really one of those. I am more adept at taking the twists and turns in life as they come. Since my late teens, I already formulated a basic stance towards life, 'so what if' instead of 'what if'. Time and again, heartaches and pain, exhilarations and relief later, I also began to appreciate living in the moment, living so that you adapt to constant changes, letting go of plans, taking disappointments in stride. Of course, I am not infallible. But, I just learn to moderate life as I go along.

So, maybe I ought to be planning more and getting just slightly more anxious and excited towards the day that I get to adopt Dardee's surname. Instead, I am anchored in my usual seemingly zen roots. It is not that I am not anticipating it. I will be meeting plenty of friends and relatives and contacts that day, all of whom I requested to be at our special day because they are special to me, affecting my life in the small and big unique ways. I am looking forward to seeing them. I am looking forward to their feeling happy for me. It is probably the one day in one's life that one gets to see so many people who are sincerely happy for oneself. It is a special day, very special, once in a lifetime kind of day. I am curious to see how the day unfolds. Curious. Yes, that might be it. I am curious, rather than excited or anxious.

Life-changing began, not in 5more days, but some 6 years ago. Except neither of us knew for sure this is the direction. We just took a leap of faith, then held on to that courage, and in 5 days, courage alone doesn't suffice anymore. There are many more traits that would be demanded from both of us. A lot more challenges that will call for even more delicate moderation of each other's strengths and weaknesses. A stone-cast commitment to see through.

We have come some way, but that is a short distance in the scheme of the road ahead and the divine plan ahead. Really, I am still not religious. But, at this moment, I just feel I am at the exact spot where I am supposed to be in my own journey across the the galaxy of time. And I, again, choose to live for this moment, to indulge in now. This is how I grew to love myself, such that I can learn to love another, and one another.

I, then, cease to wonder how all these came about. I just know that I have made a decision and it is one of the best decisions I ever made. It is just a promise to love and be loved, and indulge in that rare assurance of what life can bring.

I love you, now and therefore, forever.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:47

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September 10, 2014

Here is me, the 34-year old me.

This is an unexpected place to be blogging about my coming of the semi-ripe old age of 34, well, tomorrow. 

 I should say that, sometimes, life gives you an opportunity but not the time to sit on the fence about it. 

 So, here I am, in what I call my intervention studio. Alone and quiet now, because it's almost 6 in the evening. The children who were here for the holiday programme, are long-gone. The teachers, too, retired for the day, after sorting out whatever they have to in the stride of their work. A little, rather humble studio, I must say. A little step. But a step in the right direction, in the fulfillment of a bigger dream. 

 This year, as I was reading last year's post, has been accurately reflective of my prediction made some 1 year ago. Really, it can and should be summarized in 4 major areas - work (because we all need to put bread on the table), wedding (because I said, 'Yes'... after I said, 'No'), class (because a learning journey is always a good journey and I set myself back about $5000 to take this journey) and the last and somewhat unexpected one - A Special Door. 

 I ought to mention, if anything worthy of mentioning in my account for the past year, the wonders of positive thinking and how once you get positive, the whole universe seems to sing the same song as you are singing. The lot of people I've met in the past year who are nothing short of being positive energy source and their kindness, genuineness, generosity and passion which navigates how they live. I like to think that they might say the same about me. Maybe not all of them, but I like to think that some others will agree to the same about me. That's what I meant. By paying the positive energy forward through little acts of kindness, generosity and love. And well, sometimes, just good sense. 

 Also worthy of mention (where the wedding prep is concerned) is the patience of people who know how scatter brained I can be, and increasingly so. Of course, being fickle doesn't really help too. haha 

 So... it's been a good year, really. With a really nice 2-weeks holiday in Holland and Belgium. A lot of things meant to happen are all happening on schedule. And... there are still thousands of things swimming in my mind up there. But, I will get them sorted out and done. Because this is the mid-30 (near lah..) me. And 30s is when a woman peaks at self-discovery and fulfillment, right? 

 Many, many more happy returns, positive encounters, and love...




Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:25

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May 07, 2014

Pre-nuptial inquiry - an excerpt

Wow! Let's not pretend like I actually feel horrible about not blogging for the past half year (and more). I do feel bad, but really, time has been miraculously consumed doing productive work and some not too productive work. Like usual. 

 So, what got me to pop in and sit at my desk, when I should probably be taking a shower to make it on time for the next appointment? 

 Emman and I went to Fr Kenny for our pre-nuptial inquiry last night. Somehow, inevitably, we talked a little on how Emman must not be a Mummy's boy after marriage (because we all know he's not just Mummy's boy, but Mummy's Golden Boy, as of now). Fr Kenny gave an example, which might sound cliche, but it sort of paints the whole logic very well. At least, to me, it made perfect sense, not just from a self-invested point of view but from a logical point of view. 

 The story goes... there were 3 persons in a boat and the three were Emman, Jancy and Emman's MIL (my mum). The boat capsized and Emman was the only strong swimmer among the three. Of course, there was only one life vest (because we were stupid enough to bring just one when there were three of us out boating). 

 Question: Who would you (Emman) save by giving the life vest to - Jancy or her mum? 
Answer: Jancy. (Yay! Score 1! Sorry Mum!)

 Question: Now, how about between Jancy and your mum?
Answer: ... (about 5secs of consideration and struggle) Jan..cy... (Yay! Score 1! Sorry prospective MIL.. though it was obviously and understandably more of a struggle.)

 Question: Now, between your cute 2-yr old child and Jancy? 
Answer: ... This is a moral question, right? (evading question... doesn't look good... haha)
Fr Kenny: It's not a moral question. The answer is, Jancy. Yes, you have to look on as your young child dies but you have to save Jancy. 

 Here is the reasoning... It's very simple. You made a vow, it says 'in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health'. You didn't make that vow with your mother, you didn't even make that vow with your child. You made that vow with Jancy, your spouse. So, she is the one you will honour that vow with. You didn't marry your mother, not your child. You married Jancy. That is how serious and how honourable marriage is; that is how strong the sacrament is. 

 That's a mini homily, I guess. But, truthfully, a powerful one. Maybe because it invokes some kind of moral dilemma in choosing between your own child and your spouse. So, it etched into my mind strongly. And, in some ways, I was touched. 

 We all know marriage vows. We all know marriage is to be for life, a lifelong commitment. But really, what does it mean? Up till yesterday, I admit that the whole idea sounds hazy to me, especially since I'm not someone who sees very much into the future, nor one who grasps distant images. But that little illustration made me realize the extent, the solemnity, the (for lack of a better word) seriousness of this decision, and what it really meant when we exchange our vows in November. Think about this, you have to watch your own parents and your own child die before your eyes and yet, you are obliged to only save your spouse. No 'but's, no two ways about it. Because this is what you promised each other, because you made that promise in the presence of all the people who love both of you and whom the two of you love. For believers, most importantly, you made that promise to each other in the presence of God and asked for the blessing of God on that condition. 

 It's insightful... and touching. 

 I hope to remember this little excerpt amid all the possible chaos on the day, as we exchange our vows and our rings. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:50

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September 08, 2013

Still posting as a 32nd year old.

Wow. August just zoomed by, didn't it? 

 I have taken on 2 new assignments - one occupies me two weekday evenings every week and the other occupies my every weekday morning. That basically translates to wanting to nap at every afternoon chance I've got and also, going to bed earlier (though my earliest remains at 11.30pm). And so... without really thinking or having the time to think about it, here is September. 

 To be even more specific, here is the last 3rd day of my being aged 32. 

 Well, I actually stared at this screen for about 5 seconds, not knowing what to say about that. 

 There isn't really much to say about that, is there? 

 We all already, know the energy level is sapping, the body cracks more than it used to, certain small details can escape the memory easier, and so on and so forth. The package that comes with aging, essentially. 

 Let's see. I predict that the next year ahead to 34 is going to be much more eventful than the one in-passing. After all, there are going to be some major decisions to be made, involving some 4-digit figures. Time should be speeding up even more, since there is some kind of a timeline and on that, some milestones and checklists. There is the anticipation of a new member into the family and the anticipation of becoming a new member of another family and then, forming a family unit of my own (is a married couple, technically, considered a family?). I'm hoping it is going to be more rewarding, in many ways... more stable in work ways... more loving in love ways... more pink in health ways... more harmony in family ways...

 So, as I trod on this journey of my life, happy birthday, a 33rd one, to me. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 20:21

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July 08, 2013

That wedding thing

"How's the wedding preparation?"

 The above question ranks high in the 'Questions I've been asked' list recently. It's strange, and a little annoying because I actually don't feel like getting started on how it is coming along. First of all, it has not been too impressive (we are still more than 16 months away from Finale), and secondly, it's too advanced to start telling people about how it's been coming along. 

 In all honesty, of course we have started preparing. I mean, the fact that we have all this time ahead of this overrated 'once in a lifetime', surely we would be pretty naive to not start planning early and hopefully, through that early planning, get some good deals and intelligent ideas. 

 But, all sensible brides (and grooms) should know this universal observation: the earlier you share your wedding prep with others, the faster you'd turn into a -zilla, through the bane of unnecessary opinions. Suddenly, everyone has some other preferences and would see it as a sign of respect if I could take their preferences into consideration. Since I'm admittedly, not very well-adjusted in taking instructions, there is no need to encourage instructors, no matter how well-meaning they are. 

 'Finale'.

 That is the term I've started to refer our wedding to. You see, the way I see it... the proposal... it's like being handed a list of 'To-do's that would all accumulate into one huge performance on the wedding day, which I now call the 'Finale Performance'. First of all, it does feel very much like a performance - the other point in one's life that one would have so many relatives and friends all come together to see one in a pretty damn fine costume would be the burial day, or in Singapore, the day of cremation. There is nothing morbid about this. It is, in fact, all very realistic. Secondly, I do have to get up early in the morning, put on white dress, have someone do up my face and hair and then, when it's my turn to 'meet the participants', make sure I smile like my face doesn't know any other expressions - which of course, is not true. 

 The raised eyebrow, rolling of eyes, dropping of jaw, going all mushy and cute to get (some of) my ways... 

 Actions and gestures that I've been doing quite a lot with Emman recently. So, he's been meddling with a wedding website. And had this idea of getting our friends to do a parody for Grease's Summer Nights. And occasionally, riding on my tentative and random ideas, making them into something like a plan. Of course, his new role in the new company is very conducive for all these extra-curricular activities. I'm not complaining too. Better to have an involved partner than to have one who just sits around and signs the cheques, though Emman signs the cheques too... and of course, sometimes, I'm the one who sits around. haha

 A bad habit.

 *raises right hand up. It's mine. I should not have, but I do joke about returning the ring. Um, about once or twice every fortnight, and more if he tries to be funny-but-annoying with me. But of course, we both know I'm joking, though it's really, in truth, a pretty bad joke. I mean, the marriage counselors and professionals would give a no-no to this. Still, I do it. 

 I think, the idea of being married both excites and frightens me. As mentioned, I've never been good in taking instructions, unless of course, I can agree with them. The prospect of having another set of elderly to respect and listen to (I am, by the way, talking about a pair of rather traditional and conventional elderly who do not speak my language) is not an exciting one. I don't even take instructions from my own parents and sometimes, even wonder if my parents actually feel respected in the house. So, it is plain to see that welcoming in-laws with open arms is certainly going to be tall order for me. But yes, I am excited to run my own household (but leave the vacuuming and ironing to Emman) and to basically, attempt to annoy the man of the house day-in, day-out. License to nag! We are talking about 24-7! 

 So, this pretty much sums up the wedding thing for now. Notice I haven't mention anything fun about it? There is nothing fun about it, really. But, hmm... there are some bits that I am anticipating. And, those bits are just gonna have to multiply to make A Little Grand Narrative of the two persons - Emmanuel and Jancy. 

 That, by the way, is our wedding theme. ^^

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:09

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May 09, 2013

A more pensive play

I recently picked up another of Banana Yoshimoto's books from the library. I read her books before, some years before, and I liked them. I like her writing, her style, the mood that she manages to create through sensitive wordplay and delicate character crafting. Well, given that the literature is translated from Japanese, I suppose there is also due credit to the translator for having taken such serious effort in handpicking the English words. 

 As I was reading, however, a feeling, which I couldn't label, got to me. I wanted, in a way that I desired but knew that I couldn't, to be in that sort of mood in which I could empathise more, be more sensitive to the words playing in front of my eyes and feel more for my companion within the story... I wanted to be more immersed in the story, losing track of the sounds, smells and distractions happening in my environment. And, I felt a slight tinge of sadness and regret that it was not to be and that in a way, I knew I couldn't. It was like, a sector of my emotions, or the capability to have stronger emotions, was closed, out-of-bounds, for now. I couldn't go deeper than what I already was feeling. I could only recall the time I used to be able to access that sector, that deeper emotional consciousness.

 The time, of course, is easy to remember. It was the whole year-and-half (or so) after Kay and I broke up; one of the darkest period of my life so far. But then, aside from what had happened and was happening to me, everything else outside was so illuminating. Reading became my escape, books became my constant reliable companion, music (depressing ones) was so very assuring and therapeutic. What I did then, to kill time (just like I am killing time now), was not unfamiliar as it is now. Yet, then, those things, those activities felt so purgative, so total that each time I finished a book, I felt a dark bit of my life being washed clean and illuminated; each time I took out my earphones, I felt like a weight on me being sucked into the earphones and swiftly disposed of. When my companion in the story felt relieved, I felt so relieved I teared. When she felt happy, I felt so happy I smiled easily with her. When she was grieved, I grieved with her and sometimes, sobbed. It was as if I had completely projected myself, my life then, my emotions onto the twists and turns in the story. Empathy came naturally as words flowed through my sight continuously. Thinking back, I could say that was a reader's indulgence, even though at that time, I had no idea that I would feel any sense of nostalgia for it. 

 The Lake, the afore-mentioned book from Yoshimoto, attempted to give a little of that back to me. Or, I attempted to steal a little for myself. It was not futile, but really, I couldn't say it was a success. It was not futile only to the extent that, at least, I am blogging about it and writing what must be the longest and most moody post in a long while. 

 In a way, I miss that total indulgence. And ironically, I can actually entitle myself to it now, since my now-a-days involve getting out of bed, getting myself fed and living as unproductively as I can allow myself to. Unfortunately, I am too aware that that is not an entitlement; that will always be a privilege. A privilege to be experienced only when the other distractions of life could not take away the pain and the hollow feeling one felt within, and desperately needed another outlet to devote attention to. 

 Desperation... perhaps that is the crux. A desperation to get away from the existing reality and escape into another one that one knows would end as the last page is turned. A desperation to establish some control back in life, to fill the void within. 

 The blessed is deprived of that desperation which would lend them the most fertile imagination to be in the shoes of another person, to exist out of themselves, even for a short duration from page one to last. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:17

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April 04, 2013

A decade old! Almost!

OH! Would you believe that I've been keeping this blog for a whole decade soon??? You're right. Nobody needs to believe that, because a glance to the right hand side is proof that I have come from twenty-two(plus) to thirty-two(plus)! 

 Does this call for some sort of celebration? I'm just trying to justify giving myself a nice treat. But, know what, never mind. 

 Still, it would be very nice to read some encouraging comments or congratulations for (at least) keeping at one thing for 1 decade, if you happen to be reading this. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:23

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One of those conversations...

me: So, are you confident that you would be even better than the husband that I'm supposed to have?
em: I am already better. 
me: Hmm?
em: I already win. Simply because I exist. Those are qualities, just qualities that he would have, but he doesn't even exist. I already exist here. 

Emman says the most surprisingly romantic thing when he least prepares for it. The kind of romantic that succeeds more effortlessly with the existentialist in me, than with the critical and disillusioned one. 

But it's really amusing and rather hilarious (not to mention sadistically shiok) to see how he tries to formulate something romantic to say to me, on-the-spot. He looks like he had too much fibre and too little water. Like, it is the most challenging thing to mouth. Unfortunately, despite the great effort, with a disillusioned and critical girlfriend like me, the most sculpted romantic paragraph would often fall to the side of being a cliche (and evokes an eyes-rolling reaction). haha. 

But that's precisely why we would do better than the couple in my destiny. Because in life, it's happier to want what you already have than to keep hankering for something that you want but not have. 

We have already found and been found. We are already here. For each other. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:19

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Of work and being queen

Oh, so long since I last posted. 

 The fact is, I have been going to the library more in the past three months than I've ever been in the last 5 years. 

 Magazines of Interior design, Bridal and wedding, Health and fitness and even National Geographic have been on my read list while in the library. And I've paid countless times of $1.55 reservation fee for resource books related on behaviour therapy and teaching strategies for children with autism. 

 So, as far as self-upgrading is concerned, I think I'm making pretty reasonable headway for this year. 

 Career-front, it seems like the circumstances are pointing me to a freelancing arrangement. To be honest, it makes better time sense and income sense, since I have come to realise that I'm in a position where experience and qualifications do not match and thus, neither would the salary range. Once again, I'm just trying to believe that it is what has always been in store for me. Just that this time round, I know better than to spread myself too thin. Especially not when I'm still anticipating for good news of my M.Edun application. So, stay calm and stay positive till June, I guess. 

 xxx

 So, Emman and I have started to look into wedding venues for the evening banquet. I don't quite understand why there is a need for the banquet, a Chinese one too! But, I guess there is no harm in looking around before we even decide if we are going to go ahead with it. I mean, it's still something different to do on weekends, visiting hotel ballrooms and for my boyfriend to get excited over the wedding preparations. 

 As for the bride's choice of gowns... pardon me but I don't quite understand why other girls want to look or feel like a princess on what would possibly be the most tiring day of their lives. Personally, I would choose 'Queen' over 'Princess'. haha, that's just like me, right? I mean, why be the princess when you can be the queen? Anyway! So, I decided that the perfect gown would be one that makes me feel like a queen. Well, and the groom-to-be would be quick to add, 'elegant'. So, that's what we are going to aim for - 'Elegant Queen'.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:09

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January 29, 2013

There... and back again!

So, it's been almost a month since I returned from the longest and most expensive holiday of my life, so far. And well, about two whole months since I last wrote something here. 

 Between then and now, a few notable (though not life-changing) things happened, and a few realisations.

 - I checked off 'New York' on my list of primary travel destinations (and put it into my list of 'secondary travel destinations')
- Along the same itinerary, checked off 'San Francisco' and 'Las Vegas' too
- The New Year Countdown at Central Park was quite unbeatable, already (and so I'd just spend the Countdowns for the rest of my life in front of a TV set)
- I visited the house of the one most influential and important presidents in the world - The White House (and I haven't even bothered to visit The Istana yet)
- I flew long haul, a total of about 17 in-air hours, across continents, all alone (and decided long haul flights are so stifling and boring, and perhaps, a little claustrophobia)
- Korean Air didn't make it into the list of favourite airlines (but not falling to the ranks of United Air too) 
- Korea is not going to make it into my list of travel destinations (no matter how my friends and Jasmine get euphoric about it)
- My map-reading and sense of direction isn't so bad (but of course, when there's someone else who's better at it, i.e. Emman, I'd rather just follow)
- I can eat a heavier breakfast when I'm overseas (sort of saves the money on lunch)
- I am, really, pretty tolerant of cold (and defrosts pretty fast)
- I am good at being a 'Johnie Walker' - I just keep walking
- I am quite a like-able tourist (since I've not encountered any rudeness or impatience in that 3 weeks)
- I am remarkably good at keeping to travel budget (yay!!!)

 I think there are more... but these are what I can remember for now. 

 The most notable, I suppose, is the fact that I got engaged. Ya, to Emmanuel, that silly man who decided to give himself a 'Game Over' on his 30th birthday. 

 Now that I'm back home, there is only one urgent item on the agenda - Get an income source. My bank account needs to see some credit. 

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:55

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November 25, 2012

Word of Me

me: what do you see when u look into my eyes?
em: my future.

===
me: How many more years do you think we'd still be like this (as we are now)?
em: Like this ah. . . um, I'm thirty. . seventy years. At least, seventy years lah, hor?

The word of Me: Love is a kind of contentment that can rule over all other discontentment.

posted from Bloggeroid

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:35

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October 22, 2012

One of those conversations...

Another humorous moment at the mass.

me: So, 'Lamb of God' is Jesus.
em: Ya!
me: So, in (the song) 'Mary had a little lamb', it's actually referring to Jesus. So, it's true.
em: Hmm, ya hor. I've never thought of it that way.
me: But do you know what happened to the lamb in the song?
em: No...
me: It went to school with Mary, between two slices of bread.
em: ???

xxx

I think in the past one year of my attending mass with Emman, he has learnt so much more about God and the ways of God, and of course, Jesus, than he ever had in his life.

That's what happens when people get 'born' into a religion and practise it without reflecting and understanding the profound meaning behind their practice. Religion is only a set of doctrines when you cannot apply it to your daily life. Spirituality is when you can.

Amen. Thanks be to me.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:42

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